Have you ever had a place that you love threatened? Have you had a favourite corner of the world changed by the onset of industry? Have you rallied around that place to try and save it? Is that even possible anymore? Was it ever?

When I was first contacted by the non-profit society whose mission is to “Save Desolation Sound,” my first question was, “from what?”

Their answer was this: a gravel quarry has been proposed a few kilometres northeast of the wild waters and forests of the Desolation Sound Provincial Marine Park. The company is Lehigh Hanson Materials, based in Alberta, which is in turn owned by a German mega-company that is one of the largest cement makers in the world.

It sounds preposterous. This is an area that was turned into one of the largest marine parks on the west coast of Canada because it is so spectacularly beautiful, an oceanic paradise that boasts the warmest ocean water north of the Gulf of Mexico, the steepest drops from mountain peak to ocean bottom in North America, and ocean mammals that include orcas, dolphins, humpback whales, porpoises, seals and sea lions. The marine park boasts over 60 kilometres of undeveloped shoreline, all of it boat-access-only, just 200 kilometres north of us in Vancouver, but seemingly a world away.

To be clear: the gravel quarry proposal site is not within the park, but close enough that it is presumed to be visible and audible from within the park. Noise, scarring of the mountainside, light pollution, and heavy barge and freighter traffic are all possible threats to the park, the community, tourism, and the environment (the gravel barges will have to pass through Desolation Sound in order to head south).

To be clearer: I also get that all those kayakers who love to paddle the park, as well as my family, drive cars on paved roads made from gravel to get to our launching point for Desolation Sound. I understand the need for industry in our society. What I don’t understand is why a quarry is proposed in such a special area that many thought had recovered from industry for the last time.

Russell Hollingsworth is one of Vancouver’s leading architects and one of the founders of the Save Desolation Sound Society. He agrees with the inappropriateness of the proposed location of the quarry: “The natural beauty and long-term economic value of this area are worth far more than the short-term gains of gravel extraction. A gravel pit in Desolation Sound is an inappropriate and environmentally unsustainable project for this area.”

Lehigh Hanson’s application to conduct bore-hole testing has been approved by the province, and will begin after Labour Day.

According to a June press release from Lehigh Hanson, nothing is –ahem– set in stone: “Lehigh Hanson does not have any specific plans for a mining operation at present and fully understands that any such decision would be subject to respectful involvement of First Nations, dialogue with communities and stakeholders, and consideration of environmental stewardship. As with all of our operations, Lehigh Hanson is committed to performing these exploratory activities in a safe and environmentally responsible manner and will seek every opportunity to minimize disruption to the area.”

Uh huh. If you know what it’s like to have the place you love come under threat, you can add your voice to Save Desolation Sound. The society has set up a petition at SaveDesolationSound.com/join-us.

Read more of my Vancouver Shakedown weekly columns here.

Everybody knows there’s two seasons in Vancouver: the rainy season and the wedding season. Between mid-May and mid-September, hundreds of hopeful couples will legally tie the knot, everywhere from Prospect Point to Wreck Beach. Rejoice! I’m here to help you get your big day right.

Plan B

The last Saturday in May is typically the beginning of marriage season. This year it happened to rain all day long on Saturday, May 28. I know of at least two weddings that were washed out in Stanley Park, one of them not having an indoor Plan B! Heels and mud don’t mix. We still live in a rainforest! Plan for an indoor alternative no matter what your wedding date.

Mind the gap

Take all of your lame wedding photos before your guests arrive to avoid the ridiculous “wedding gap” that often occurs between the ceremony and the reception. Where are 150 people dressed in their Sunday best supposed to go on Bowen Island for three hours while you awkwardly pose in your gown and tux down on the beach?

Fuel for the masses

Unless your entire wedding is going to be under an hour, you must must must feed your guests an entire sit down meal, along with plenty of snack options before and after. With the cost of weddings in 2016 cresting an average of $35,000, many couples cheap out on food, thinking cheese and crackers at standing bar tables will suffice. They won’t. If you don’t provide a meal, your guests will quickly get drunk, hangry, and indignant. They will be ordering pizza to the parking lot during the speeches. And the only potluck at a wedding should be the medicinal marijuana in your midnight brownies.

Speakers Corner

Don’t skip the speeches! The speeches are my sentimental wife’s favourite part of any wedding. Why? Because there’s something about a wedding that brings out a raw and honest love that is so rarely spoken in every day life, from speakers who aren’t usually behind a microphone. And if there’s a drunken mother-in-law-trainwreck-speech, all the better, really. Just avoid the open mic.

Beer me beloved

There’s nothing worse than a wedding in full swing suddenly running out of booze. My only mathematical gift is to be able to eyeball exactly the correct amount of alcohol needed for a large number of people. I have literally saved wedding days by making emergency booze runs before the party has even started, just by looking at their stack of beer behind the bar. Always budget for more booze than you think they’ll ever drink. And buy local.

Let’s Dance

Couples trying to save costs by creating an iTunes playlist instead of hiring a DJ or a live band usually have great intentions but ultimately fail. Here’s the secret to a packed wedding dance floor from start to finish: most of us dance to what we recognize. At your wedding, you must respect the multi-generations in attendance. Therefore, plan your playlist chronologically through the ages and don’t let anyone mess with it. Start with hit tunes from the 1950s and ‘60s for the old-timers, then slowly progress into the 1970s, ‘80s, ‘90s, and 2000s. Schedule one slow dance number for every four upbeat songs. By the time you get to the Black Keys and Robin Thicke ‘round midnight, the grandparents have gone to bed and you can really blur the lines between your bridesmaids.

IndieNoNo

Most crowd sourcing is obnoxious to begin with, so don’t you dare even think about Kickstarting your wedding or honeymoon. Instead, drop a private line to maybe your best man or maid of honour to organize a larger wedding gift from a group of friends. We once surprised my best friend and his wife on their wedding night with a honeymoon to Hawaii that 20 of us all chipped in on. Much more memorable than a collapsible salad bowl from Canadian Tire.

Follow these simple planning vows, invite me to your wedding, and congratulations in advance on a perfect day! Did I miss anything?

I cradled the baseball in my hand, staring down the throw line into the catcher’s glove. I imagined the perfect sizzler releasing from my fingertips, right into the mitt, burning the catcher’s palm. I glanced around, feeling the pressure. It wasn’t the same kind of nervous anticipation the members of the Mt. Pleasant Murder and the Railtown Spikers were feeling for their first game, watching from behind sunglasses in their dugouts on either side of the sandlot. This was a different kind of pressure. I was throwing out the ceremonial first pitch on opening weekend of the brand new East Vancouver Baseball League (EVBL).

Co-founder Justin Banal from the Isotopes Punk Rock Baseball Club offered me a cold can of Postmark Blonde, brewed about four blocks away. I looked at my watch. It was two minutes past noon on Saturday. He leaned in and gave me some words of encouragement for the pitch.

“Just don’t 50 Cent it.” Excuse me? “Rapper 50 Cent did a ceremonial pitch for the Mets and threw it to first base”. Oh… OK. Just before I strode out to the non-existent pitcher’s mound, another skinny punk in an East Van Murder uniform walked up. “Don’t Carly Rae Jepsen it, dude.” It turns out that Mission’s own “Call Me Maybe” star attempted to throw out a pitch for the Tampa Bay Rays and literally dropped the ball. Michael Jordan, President Obama, and even pitching legend Nolan Ryan have all completely blown their ceremonial pitches.

The PA crackled to life. It was a guitar amp with a RadioShack microphone plugged into it. EVBL co-director Sean Elbe introduced me.

“Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome former lead singer of the Smugglers, current beer league goalie, and author of The Lonely End of the Rink, to throw out our first pitch!” A light smattering of confused applause followed. The heat was on. I wound up.

The founders of the EVBL, a bunch of baseball-obsessed punk rockers, are living out their own Field of Dreams-meets-The Bad News Bears baseball fantasy, bringing a lost era of baseball back from the dead. They’ve built the EVBL from the sand up with a very specific heritage-style design. They built it, and the players came. Those players just have to play by the EVBL’s rules. The EVBL maintains complete artistic and aesthetic control over the teams in the league, right down to the logos. EVBL merchandise is already a hot property, and the league, for this year anyway, is full.

Banal explains the concept. “This city is really good for a lot of things – street hockey, soft ball – but there was no one playing real baseball for fun.” Co-founder Court Overgaauw, of the East Van Black Sox, continues. “At a certain point, many of us who grew up playing real baseball got turned away or off from the sport of a variety of reasons. This league gives us the opportunity to play the game the way it should be played.” And what is real baseball? Think hard balls pitched overhand against wooden bats.

Besides the Isotopes, the league is heavy with members of the local arts community, specifically of the punk rock variety: members of the B-Lines, the Courtneys, Nervous Talk, the Tranzmitors, the Parallels, Uptights and more all suit up, but true to the EVBL word, this ain’t ultimate Frisbee. No shorts allowed.

“Shorts are just not appropriate for baseball”, says Overgaauw. Really? “We’re serious,” says Banal. “You don’t wear shorts in baseball.” Luckily, the rule doesn’t extend to fans watching the games down at the sandlot in Strathcona Park, southwest diamond, corner of Hawks and Malkin. Games are most Saturdays through August.

I let the ball fly from my right hand and watched it smack into the catcher’s glove. In an instant, I managed to achieve what I never could as lead singer of the Smugglers for 17 years: perfect pitch. PLAY BALL!

Read more of my Vancouver Shakedown column here.